Sunday, December 25, 2011

Happy 1st christmas son!

Happy birthday Jesus! God bless all the angels. Merry 1st heavenly Christmas Jacob! You are loved more than words can say. Have a wonderful day celebrating on the clouds w/ Jesus and all your angel friends. <3

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Jacob turns 6mos old

Our heart
Daddy's lil' man
Happy 6mos baby boy.
Even though you are in heaven enjoying your milestone, 
mommy and daddy are having a cupcake for you here too.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Constant thoughts..

My constant thoughts are almost haunting me. The night mare of loosing Jacob replays in mind on days I am lonely and the nights are just the worst. I often can't sleep because my mind is always working and DH is sound asleep. I pray before I go to sleep every night and I can stay asleep for about 4 hours and then I wake up like clock work . Sometimes it's scarey because I am supposed to be tending to a 5 month old and I wonder if I am sleep walking looking for him. On some days I have to wake myself up and remind myself Jacob is in heaven and he is no longer hurting. We will be okay. Today I have been in a lazy mood. Not tending to anything. But I can't tend to anything really anyways because of the clutter. Just the usual clean the stove,clean the potty, wash clothes,wash dishes and play with the pup and cuddle with her for a nap. That's how my days run together and before I know it the weekend is here. I keep my self busy by reading the books I got from the hospital and the ones I got from my dad. They are all helpful and I am thankful for them. So I sit here right now am thinking about tomorrow. Jacob turns 6 months old in heaven , wish he was here with us. So tomorrow I am lighting a candle and hoping to have the courage to write a letter. I pray for strength. Love you Jacob..Fly high my little bugger !! ^J^

Monday, September 19, 2011

Precious Little one

Shered from my support group:
Precious Little One
Author Unknown

Precious, tiny little one
You'll always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent -
Part of heaven's family.

We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother,
He'll always be your dad,
You'll always be our child,
The child that we have.

Now you're gone... but yet you're here
We sense you everywhere.
You're our sorrow and our joy,
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong,
We'll forget you never-
The child we had but never had,
And yet will have forever.

Sunday, September 18, 2011


Finally some rain again today. So nice to have some rain here in Texas. Man did we need it and with wild fires happening sure enough. Yesterday was a bad day. Trying to fix our car and truck is understatement in our household it seems as everything that could go wrong does. On a better note we prayed for rain and got it. Been thinking about Jacob today and how he is almost 6 months old, time flies. What I wish the most is that he was here but I know that he will have a cupcake with his family in heaven on the 21st of this month so I am okay with that. I sure know all his great grandparents and so on are sure taking care of  him. I look up into the clouds on some days and I smile thinking about they are all are happy and full of joy to have such a beautiful time with Jacob. I catch myself time to time talking to Jacob's urn wondering if he hears me singing or talking about him to Sassy. I am sure he does. Sassy always looks at Jacob's urn and kisses it goodnight, she is such a sweet big sister pup. I know she would've had so much fun with Jacob. I always tell her we are going to be okay and your baby brother is fine, he is in heaven looking down on us. Melts my heart when she nods in agreement. So today has been a funky day because of the rain but that is alright. I have been trying to stay up with laundry and such. So hard to keep moving on without energy going thru this time of grief but I am moving on moving on as much as I can without letting my hurt take full control thanks to god. God is on my side, I know he is because I feel it in my heart. I thank him everyday for waking up and living. He is a great man and so loved by many. Right now I feel a warm hug around me as I type, I know it is god letting me know its okay to feel sad and happy all at the same time. I keep hoping one day we will be blessed once again and Jacob will have a sibling, our love for our angel won't disappear it will only grow stronger. I believe this deep inside some where, its my hope. DH and I have always loved the saying Hope, Faith and Love; which for our first years together is what held us together thru all our problems. Now I believe it has made our relationship what it is now and will continue to help us and help us get thru this time of grief because we will be better people for it. <3  In ending today..
I feel I am in a better place today even with my emotions having a wave effect. Everyday is another step and I will, we will make it thru this storm.
Love you our angel baby, Jacob Bradly..always.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Jesus Loves Me Childrens Song

Sang this to Jacob when he was in my belly & when we we're in the hospital,he always opened his eyes for me.

Justin Moore - If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away - With Lyrics

Rascal Flatts - I Won't Let Go (Lyrics)

Played at Jacob's life Celebration


I wake up this morning at 6:30am. Thinking of why am I awake but It is because I wasn't feeling good last night and went to sleep about 9:30pm, not like me at all. So right now it is 8:40am I am at the computer typing a new blog. The doggy and DH are still asleep.
I think often of Jacob but isn't in a numb, why us way like it was in the beginning. I have learned to cope with loosing him and understand why he passed. I do still have those days where I am so lost and confused I have no one to talk to about how I am feeling. I get told very often that others do not know how I am doing this after loosing Jacob and how I am so strong. I truthfully don't know either I am just living life and having faith in god. I do tell my mom that when I visit, she always asks me how am I dealing with the grief and I tell her " mom I just have to be strong and tell myself that it will be okay and we will make it thru this. Not a day goes by that I think of my angel and of course I wish he was here but god needed him for something;might not know what yet but Jacob isn't hurting anymore. Please don't be sad for me." I always get choked up when I speak to my parents like I wish the pain would go away and they would have their first grand child back to hold but I know that Jacob isn't coming back to us that way. He has become an angel and is always with us no matter where we are.So I ask all my friends and family please don't be sad for us; for me, god has chosen Jacob for something good and something so good that he won't tell us just yet. ( I am crying as I type this morning) Everything in life is so powerful and of course nothing is fair but we live on. <3  God has a plan and I know he does but not everyone knows just yet. Jacob was the start of something grand for us in our lifetime. I have to keep the hope that we will, I will make it thru this grief and not let it take over my soul for I know that deep in my heart I will see Jacob again.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Pictures made for me (1)


Dusty Grein ( friend on facebook)

Dearest Mommy..

Dearest Mommy,
When you wonder the meaning of life and love
Know that I am with you
Close your eyes and feel me kissing you
In the gentle breeze across your cheek
When you begin to doubt that you shall ever see me again
Quiet your mind and hear me
I am in the whisper of the heavens
Speaking of your love

When you lose your identity
When you question who you are
Where you are going
Open your heart and see me
I am the twinkle in the stars
Smiling down upon you
Lighting the path for your journey
When you awaken each morning
Not remembering your dreams
But feeling content and serene
Know that I was with you
Filling your night with thoughts of me

When you linger in the remnant pain
Wholeness seeming so unfamiliar
Think of me and know that I am with you
Touching you through the shared tears of a gentle friend
Easing the pain

As the sunrise illuminates the desert sky
In that breathtaking glory, awaken your spirit
Think of our time together, all too brief, but ever brilliant
When you were certain of your destiny

Know that God created that moment in time, just for us.

Dearest Mommy, I am with you always

By Joanne Cacciatore (c) 1997 from the book "Dear Cheyenne"

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Havent written in awhile. Today I am angry. Just mad at the world. I didnt sleep last night for nothing. Cant sleep now. I dont want to feel this way. Greif is ugly. I miss Jacob so much my heart hurts,my head hurts, my body aches and crying just makes me feel more weak. I got answers I needed from the Dr but how did I get back to being angry...where did my peace go? God please give me strength. I want another baby so bad and I am scared. Will I be ok? Will DH be ok? Will my marriage be ok? So many new questions but no one to answer. Dear lord, Today I am hurting deep inside. My tears wont stop. Please help me get thru this grief. Tell my son I love him. Please show me a sign it will all be ok and we will come outta this storm. Amen

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Coming to terms

I have come to a point that I know our baby Jacob is in heaven w/god and is okay. I might not be able to hold him or etc. Jacob wouldn't want his parents so unhappy like we are. Jacob was on this earth for 14 days and I need to except he is gone but will always be in our hearts. Another thing is I need to tell myself often " I am a mother, just because he's not here doesn't mean your not. Or any less of a person" I hear that from John but I had to come to terms w/it myself. If god wants me to have a baby alive on this earth, I need to keep my faith and keep hoping for another blessing. Only way I think I'll be able to keep the faith is by loving John and myself. But I don't want to be alone in this, I need our parents and most of all we need each other. I know that I maybe coping differently, but its because of what I went thru. One thing that will help is to weed out the bad, only want the good and the ones who TRULY CARE. I thank god every day for what I have even if I am angry and lost; but knowing my son is always watching over me and his father keeps my hope alive. But please be kind to and bear w/us during this time.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Bereaved Parents Wish List

Bereaved Parents Wish List  
                                         Compiled by Diane Collins
1. I wish my baby hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my baby's name. My baby lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my baby, I wish you knew it isn't because you have hurt me. My baby's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my baby, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my baby, my favorite topic of the day.

6. I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my baby's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my baby until the day I die.

8. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my baby, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I am feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

12. When I say, "I'm doing okay, " I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

14. Your advise to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly it is not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my baby died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my baby died, and will never be that person again.

17. I wish very much that you could understand-understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray that you will never understand.


These past couple of days have been rough. Wish we could rewind to April & none of this would've happen. Jacob would be here with us & our happiness would be back. I was strong when I had to be & now & then I still am but recently everything has come back like a flash flood. I'm on step 5 of 7 in the grieving process & I feel like I am going backwards. Anger is so bad, wish all these feelings would disappear. 
After 2 mos, yesterday I visited w my niece (2 y/o old) & nephew (2 mos old), I held back tears until I got home last night. Our nephew was born after Jacob passed so its still fresh when I am with them. I know in time I will feel better but not sure when. I hope soon in time after this has healed god will bless us with another baby.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011


Im supposed to be having Jacob today. My heart really hurts right now. Today is also DH & I's 6 yr together anniversary. My head hurts from all the frustrations. Tired of the random crying and feeling so lost. Hope in time I feel better.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Jacob's Delivery 7/24/11

I wasn't sure if I would be able to share just yet but I am going to try. Our son Jacob Bradly was born 3 months early April 21,2001 at 3:21pm Thursday. I went in for a ultrasound check up, my husband and mother went with me. It was my mom's first grand baby and first 3d ultrasound. Needless to say at the end of the appointment after the ultrasound tech was done the Dr came in and gave us some news. Jacob hadn't gained any weight since the last check up (which was weird because I was eating like a horse) she went on to tell us that the baby will have to be taken that night or in a couple of days. Our jaws dropped, I mean dropped. Dr stepped out of the room so we could talk and her call my ob.The Dr came back in after a minute or two and went on to tell us that the other problem is that the blood was circling back to me and not going back to baby: "blood reversal" So I was sent over to the hospital to get monitored and given the steroid for the babies lungs.I get to the hospital, no body knew I was coming over so the nurse had to call my ob. Anyways, make a long story short I delivered the baby emergency c-section that afternoon at 3:21pm. Jacob weighed 1 lb 2oz and he was admitted to the NICU. He was alive for 14 days, Jacob passed away May 4,2011 at 12am midnight. My
baby boy has been in heaven for about 3 months.My due date was July 27. Everything is still so fresh to me,
I have nightmares so I don't sleep well. I know that God has his reasons for taking Jacob to heaven early but I just wish everyday that I could get answers as to why he isn't here with us.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Cant sleep 7/15/11

651am, what am i doin up. Our kitten Panda passed away Wed night after we got home from softball. I totally lost it,hyperventilated and anxiety attack all in one fast minute. I wish I could understand why the people/animals I love keep getting taken away from me. There are no answers. Well loosing Panda put me one step back and my heart really is lost. The kitten was actually helping me cope and god decided to take him to heaven. I am trying so hard to understand I really am. Dont know what will happen to me if we loose one more thing. So I just hope and try to keep the faith. I really hope soon we can get out of our situation because this hole has gotten bigger and we cant seem to dig out.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Another day.. 7/13/11

Sitting here at softball. Just thinking of the baby. Seeing all these other lil boys running around kinda breaks my heart. Im so quiet today, just kinda thinking. Wish some how some big chunk of money would come our way. Need to get out of this major hole.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Never ending 7/10/11

Why is there anger when loosing a loved one, especially your own child, the first child. Im tired all the time,cant sleep at night I just lay there in the quiet. My mind replays over and over. Jacob has been in heaven for 2mos. But still feels so fresh to me. I carried him in my belly and then it all came crashing down in an instant. Still unsure about things. Hate that I get mad at every little thing sometimes. I feel bad because DH annoys me at times, its not his fault just happens. Im scared to be alone, Im not gonna hurt myself just being alone scares me but guess Ill have to get used to it. Afraid to look for a job but I am doing it anyways, thinking it will ease some pain. Friends having babies bother me at times because I didnt get to experience anything. (shopping for diapers,wipes,bottles,car seat and other stuff; no shower) Guess time will ease the pain but still wonder if i will be able to have another baby.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


Sitting at dinner,just keeping quite. Annoyed at stupid poeple. Today was an ok day. My mom turned 57 today. How time flys. Did some thinking about where we might be in a yr. Prayed to god about Jacob & our living situation. Feel like it helped some. To end I hope something good happens soon.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Feeling horrible 7/3/11

Allergies,head hurts,body aches,time of the month surprisingly. Emotions are off the chart as usual. Keep to myself a lot. Broken glasses, 10 yr old glasses in the mean time. Fussy kitten, we think Jacob sent him to us but its still a big ?. Lonely, longing for comfort, wishing things were different, daydreaming about my baby being next to me.