Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Jacob turns 6mos old

Our heart
Daddy's lil' man
Happy 6mos baby boy.
Even though you are in heaven enjoying your milestone, 
mommy and daddy are having a cupcake for you here too.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Constant thoughts..

My constant thoughts are almost haunting me. The night mare of loosing Jacob replays in mind on days I am lonely and the nights are just the worst. I often can't sleep because my mind is always working and DH is sound asleep. I pray before I go to sleep every night and I can stay asleep for about 4 hours and then I wake up like clock work . Sometimes it's scarey because I am supposed to be tending to a 5 month old and I wonder if I am sleep walking looking for him. On some days I have to wake myself up and remind myself Jacob is in heaven and he is no longer hurting. We will be okay. Today I have been in a lazy mood. Not tending to anything. But I can't tend to anything really anyways because of the clutter. Just the usual clean the stove,clean the potty, wash clothes,wash dishes and play with the pup and cuddle with her for a nap. That's how my days run together and before I know it the weekend is here. I keep my self busy by reading the books I got from the hospital and the ones I got from my dad. They are all helpful and I am thankful for them. So I sit here right now am thinking about tomorrow. Jacob turns 6 months old in heaven , wish he was here with us. So tomorrow I am lighting a candle and hoping to have the courage to write a letter. I pray for strength. Love you Jacob..Fly high my little bugger !! ^J^

Monday, September 19, 2011

Precious Little one

Shered from my support group:
Precious Little One
Author Unknown

Precious, tiny little one
You'll always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent -
Part of heaven's family.

We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother,
He'll always be your dad,
You'll always be our child,
The child that we have.

Now you're gone... but yet you're here
We sense you everywhere.
You're our sorrow and our joy,
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong,
We'll forget you never-
The child we had but never had,
And yet will have forever.

Sunday, September 18, 2011


Finally some rain again today. So nice to have some rain here in Texas. Man did we need it and with wild fires happening sure enough. Yesterday was a bad day. Trying to fix our car and truck is understatement in our household it seems as everything that could go wrong does. On a better note we prayed for rain and got it. Been thinking about Jacob today and how he is almost 6 months old, time flies. What I wish the most is that he was here but I know that he will have a cupcake with his family in heaven on the 21st of this month so I am okay with that. I sure know all his great grandparents and so on are sure taking care of  him. I look up into the clouds on some days and I smile thinking about they are all are happy and full of joy to have such a beautiful time with Jacob. I catch myself time to time talking to Jacob's urn wondering if he hears me singing or talking about him to Sassy. I am sure he does. Sassy always looks at Jacob's urn and kisses it goodnight, she is such a sweet big sister pup. I know she would've had so much fun with Jacob. I always tell her we are going to be okay and your baby brother is fine, he is in heaven looking down on us. Melts my heart when she nods in agreement. So today has been a funky day because of the rain but that is alright. I have been trying to stay up with laundry and such. So hard to keep moving on without energy going thru this time of grief but I am moving on moving on as much as I can without letting my hurt take full control thanks to god. God is on my side, I know he is because I feel it in my heart. I thank him everyday for waking up and living. He is a great man and so loved by many. Right now I feel a warm hug around me as I type, I know it is god letting me know its okay to feel sad and happy all at the same time. I keep hoping one day we will be blessed once again and Jacob will have a sibling, our love for our angel won't disappear it will only grow stronger. I believe this deep inside some where, its my hope. DH and I have always loved the saying Hope, Faith and Love; which for our first years together is what held us together thru all our problems. Now I believe it has made our relationship what it is now and will continue to help us and help us get thru this time of grief because we will be better people for it. <3  In ending today..
I feel I am in a better place today even with my emotions having a wave effect. Everyday is another step and I will, we will make it thru this storm.
Love you our angel baby, Jacob Bradly..always.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Jesus Loves Me Childrens Song

Sang this to Jacob when he was in my belly & when we we're in the hospital,he always opened his eyes for me.

Justin Moore - If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away - With Lyrics

Rascal Flatts - I Won't Let Go (Lyrics)

Played at Jacob's life Celebration


I wake up this morning at 6:30am. Thinking of why am I awake but It is because I wasn't feeling good last night and went to sleep about 9:30pm, not like me at all. So right now it is 8:40am I am at the computer typing a new blog. The doggy and DH are still asleep.
I think often of Jacob but isn't in a numb, why us way like it was in the beginning. I have learned to cope with loosing him and understand why he passed. I do still have those days where I am so lost and confused I have no one to talk to about how I am feeling. I get told very often that others do not know how I am doing this after loosing Jacob and how I am so strong. I truthfully don't know either I am just living life and having faith in god. I do tell my mom that when I visit, she always asks me how am I dealing with the grief and I tell her " mom I just have to be strong and tell myself that it will be okay and we will make it thru this. Not a day goes by that I think of my angel and of course I wish he was here but god needed him for something;might not know what yet but Jacob isn't hurting anymore. Please don't be sad for me." I always get choked up when I speak to my parents like I wish the pain would go away and they would have their first grand child back to hold but I know that Jacob isn't coming back to us that way. He has become an angel and is always with us no matter where we are.So I ask all my friends and family please don't be sad for us; for me, god has chosen Jacob for something good and something so good that he won't tell us just yet. ( I am crying as I type this morning) Everything in life is so powerful and of course nothing is fair but we live on. <3  God has a plan and I know he does but not everyone knows just yet. Jacob was the start of something grand for us in our lifetime. I have to keep the hope that we will, I will make it thru this grief and not let it take over my soul for I know that deep in my heart I will see Jacob again.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Pictures made for me (1)


Dusty Grein ( friend on facebook)

Dearest Mommy..

Dearest Mommy,
When you wonder the meaning of life and love
Know that I am with you
Close your eyes and feel me kissing you
In the gentle breeze across your cheek
When you begin to doubt that you shall ever see me again
Quiet your mind and hear me
I am in the whisper of the heavens
Speaking of your love

When you lose your identity
When you question who you are
Where you are going
Open your heart and see me
I am the twinkle in the stars
Smiling down upon you
Lighting the path for your journey
When you awaken each morning
Not remembering your dreams
But feeling content and serene
Know that I was with you
Filling your night with thoughts of me

When you linger in the remnant pain
Wholeness seeming so unfamiliar
Think of me and know that I am with you
Touching you through the shared tears of a gentle friend
Easing the pain

As the sunrise illuminates the desert sky
In that breathtaking glory, awaken your spirit
Think of our time together, all too brief, but ever brilliant
When you were certain of your destiny

Know that God created that moment in time, just for us.

Dearest Mommy, I am with you always

By Joanne Cacciatore (c) 1997 from the book "Dear Cheyenne"

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Havent written in awhile. Today I am angry. Just mad at the world. I didnt sleep last night for nothing. Cant sleep now. I dont want to feel this way. Greif is ugly. I miss Jacob so much my heart hurts,my head hurts, my body aches and crying just makes me feel more weak. I got answers I needed from the Dr but how did I get back to being angry...where did my peace go? God please give me strength. I want another baby so bad and I am scared. Will I be ok? Will DH be ok? Will my marriage be ok? So many new questions but no one to answer. Dear lord, Today I am hurting deep inside. My tears wont stop. Please help me get thru this grief. Tell my son I love him. Please show me a sign it will all be ok and we will come outta this storm. Amen