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Showing posts from September, 2011

Jacob turns 6mos old

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Joyful Angel Cuddly Our heart Bright * Brave Radiant Adorable Daddy's lil' man Loveable Youthful Happy 6mos baby boy. Even though you are in heaven enjoying your milestone,  mommy and daddy are having a cupcake for you here too.

Constant thoughts..

My constant thoughts are almost haunting me. The night mare of loosing Jacob replays in mind on days I am lonely and the nights are just the worst. I often can't sleep because my mind is always working and DH is sound asleep. I pray before I go to sleep every night and I can stay asleep for about 4 hours and then I wake up like clock work . Sometimes it's scarey because I am supposed to be tending to a 5 month old and I wonder if I am sleep walking looking for him. On some days I have to wake myself up and remind myself Jacob is in heaven and he is no longer hurting. We will be okay. Today I have been in a lazy mood. Not tending to anything. But I can't tend to anything really anyways because of the clutter. Just the usual clean the stove,clean the potty, wash clothes,wash dishes and play with the pup and cuddle with her for a nap. That's how my days run together and before I know it the weekend is here. I keep my self busy by reading the books I got from the hospital …

Precious Little one

Shered from my support group:Precious Little One
Author Unknown

Precious, tiny little one
You'll always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent -
Part of heaven's family.

We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother,
He'll always be your dad,
You'll always be our child,
The child that we have.

Now you're gone... but yet you're here
We sense you everywhere.
You're our sorrow and our joy,
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong,
We'll forget you never-
The child we had but never had,
And yet will have forever.

Rain!

Finally some rain again today. So nice to have some rain here in Texas. Man did we need it and with wild fires happening sure enough. Yesterday was a bad day. Trying to fix our car and truck is understatement in our household it seems as everything that could go wrong does. On a better note we prayed for rain and got it. Been thinking about Jacob today and how he is almost 6 months old, time flies. What I wish the most is that he was here but I know that he will have a cupcake with his family in heaven on the 21st of this month so I am okay with that. I sure know all his great grandparents and so on are sure taking care of  him. I look up into the clouds on some days and I smile thinking about they are all are happy and full of joy to have such a beautiful time with Jacob. I catch myself time to time talking to Jacob's urn wondering if he hears me singing or talking about him to Sassy. I am sure he does. Sassy always looks at Jacob's urn and kisses it goodnight, she is such a …

Jesus Loves Me Childrens Song

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Justin Moore - If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away - With Lyrics

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Rascal Flatts - I Won't Let Go (Lyrics)

Played at Jacob's life Celebration

9/16/11

I wake up this morning at 6:30am. Thinking of why am I awake but It is because I wasn't feeling good last night and went to sleep about 9:30pm, not like me at all. So right now it is 8:40am I am at the computer typing a new blog. The doggy and DH are still asleep. * I think often of Jacob but isn't in a numb, why us way like it was in the beginning. I have learned to cope with loosing him and understand why he passed. I do still have those days where I am so lost and confused I have no one to talk to about how I am feeling. I get told very often that others do not know how I am doing this after loosing Jacob and how I am so strong. I truthfully don't know either I am just living life and having faith in god. I do tell my mom that when I visit, she always asks me how am I dealing with the grief and I tell her " mom I just have to be strong and tell myself that it will be okay and we will make it thru this. Not a day goes by that I think of my angel and of course I wish h…

Pictures made for me (1)

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by
Dusty Grein ( friend on facebook)

Dearest Mommy..

Dearest Mommy,
When you wonder the meaning of life and love
Know that I am with you
Close your eyes and feel me kissing you
In the gentle breeze across your cheek
When you begin to doubt that you shall ever see me again
Quiet your mind and hear me
I am in the whisper of the heavens
Speaking of your love

When you lose your identity
When you question who you are
Where you are going
Open your heart and see me
I am the twinkle in the stars
Smiling down upon you
Lighting the path for your journey
When you awaken each morning
Not remembering your dreams
But feeling content and serene
Know that I was with you
Filling your night with thoughts of me

When you linger in the remnant pain
Wholeness seeming so unfamiliar
Think of me and know that I am with you
Touching you through the shared tears of a gentle friend
Easing the pain

As the sunrise illuminates the desert sky
In that breathtaking glory, awaken your spirit
Think of our time together, all too brief, but ever brilliant
When you were cert…

9.13.11

Havent written in awhile. Today I am angry. Just mad at the world. I didnt sleep last night for nothing. Cant sleep now. I dont want to feel this way. Greif is ugly. I miss Jacob so much my heart hurts,my head hurts, my body aches and crying just makes me feel more weak. I got answers I needed from the Dr but how did I get back to being angry...where did my peace go? God please give me strength. I want another baby so bad and I am scared. Will I be ok? Will DH be ok? Will my marriage be ok? So many new questions but no one to answer. Dear lord, Today I am hurting deep inside. My tears wont stop. Please help me get thru this grief. Tell my son I love him. Please show me a sign it will all be ok and we will come outta this storm. Amen