Friday, July 29, 2011

Bereaved Parents Wish List

Bereaved Parents Wish List  
                                         Compiled by Diane Collins
1. I wish my baby hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my baby's name. My baby lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my baby, I wish you knew it isn't because you have hurt me. My baby's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my baby, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my baby, my favorite topic of the day.

6. I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my baby's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my baby until the day I die.

8. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my baby, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I am feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

12. When I say, "I'm doing okay, " I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

14. Your advise to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly it is not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my baby died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my baby died, and will never be that person again.

17. I wish very much that you could understand-understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray that you will never understand.

Doozy

These past couple of days have been rough. Wish we could rewind to April & none of this would've happen. Jacob would be here with us & our happiness would be back. I was strong when I had to be & now & then I still am but recently everything has come back like a flash flood. I'm on step 5 of 7 in the grieving process & I feel like I am going backwards. Anger is so bad, wish all these feelings would disappear. 
After 2 mos, yesterday I visited w my niece (2 y/o old) & nephew (2 mos old), I held back tears until I got home last night. Our nephew was born after Jacob passed so its still fresh when I am with them. I know in time I will feel better but not sure when. I hope soon in time after this has healed god will bless us with another baby.

 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

7/27/11

Im supposed to be having Jacob today. My heart really hurts right now. Today is also DH & I's 6 yr together anniversary. My head hurts from all the frustrations. Tired of the random crying and feeling so lost. Hope in time I feel better.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Jacob's Delivery 7/24/11

I wasn't sure if I would be able to share just yet but I am going to try. Our son Jacob Bradly was born 3 months early April 21,2001 at 3:21pm Thursday. I went in for a ultrasound check up, my husband and mother went with me. It was my mom's first grand baby and first 3d ultrasound. Needless to say at the end of the appointment after the ultrasound tech was done the Dr came in and gave us some news. Jacob hadn't gained any weight since the last check up (which was weird because I was eating like a horse) she went on to tell us that the baby will have to be taken that night or in a couple of days. Our jaws dropped, I mean dropped. Dr stepped out of the room so we could talk and her call my ob.The Dr came back in after a minute or two and went on to tell us that the other problem is that the blood was circling back to me and not going back to baby: "blood reversal" So I was sent over to the hospital to get monitored and given the steroid for the babies lungs.I get to the hospital, no body knew I was coming over so the nurse had to call my ob. Anyways, make a long story short I delivered the baby emergency c-section that afternoon at 3:21pm. Jacob weighed 1 lb 2oz and he was admitted to the NICU. He was alive for 14 days, Jacob passed away May 4,2011 at 12am midnight. My
baby boy has been in heaven for about 3 months.My due date was July 27. Everything is still so fresh to me,
I have nightmares so I don't sleep well. I know that God has his reasons for taking Jacob to heaven early but I just wish everyday that I could get answers as to why he isn't here with us.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Cant sleep 7/15/11

651am, what am i doin up. Our kitten Panda passed away Wed night after we got home from softball. I totally lost it,hyperventilated and anxiety attack all in one fast minute. I wish I could understand why the people/animals I love keep getting taken away from me. There are no answers. Well loosing Panda put me one step back and my heart really is lost. The kitten was actually helping me cope and god decided to take him to heaven. I am trying so hard to understand I really am. Dont know what will happen to me if we loose one more thing. So I just hope and try to keep the faith. I really hope soon we can get out of our situation because this hole has gotten bigger and we cant seem to dig out.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Another day.. 7/13/11

Sitting here at softball. Just thinking of the baby. Seeing all these other lil boys running around kinda breaks my heart. Im so quiet today, just kinda thinking. Wish some how some big chunk of money would come our way. Need to get out of this major hole.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Never ending 7/10/11

Why is there anger when loosing a loved one, especially your own child, the first child. Im tired all the time,cant sleep at night I just lay there in the quiet. My mind replays over and over. Jacob has been in heaven for 2mos. But still feels so fresh to me. I carried him in my belly and then it all came crashing down in an instant. Still unsure about things. Hate that I get mad at every little thing sometimes. I feel bad because DH annoys me at times, its not his fault just happens. Im scared to be alone, Im not gonna hurt myself just being alone scares me but guess Ill have to get used to it. Afraid to look for a job but I am doing it anyways, thinking it will ease some pain. Friends having babies bother me at times because I didnt get to experience anything. (shopping for diapers,wipes,bottles,car seat and other stuff; no shower) Guess time will ease the pain but still wonder if i will be able to have another baby.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

7/7/11

Sitting at dinner,just keeping quite. Annoyed at stupid poeple. Today was an ok day. My mom turned 57 today. How time flys. Did some thinking about where we might be in a yr. Prayed to god about Jacob & our living situation. Feel like it helped some. To end I hope something good happens soon.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Feeling horrible 7/3/11

Allergies,head hurts,body aches,time of the month surprisingly. Emotions are off the chart as usual. Keep to myself a lot. Broken glasses, 10 yr old glasses in the mean time. Fussy kitten, we think Jacob sent him to us but its still a big ?. Lonely, longing for comfort, wishing things were different, daydreaming about my baby being next to me.