Trying to Catch the Rain..

Bereaved Parents Wish List                                             Compiled by Diane Collins 1. I wish my baby hadn't died. I wish I had him back. 2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my baby's name. My baby lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also. 3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my baby, I wish you knew it isn't because you have hurt me. My baby's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my baby, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both. 4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. 5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my baby, my favorite topic of the day. 6. I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my baby's death

These past couple of days have been rough. Wish we could rewind to April & none of this would've happen. Jacob would be here with us & our happiness would be back. I was strong when I had to be & now & then I still am but recently everything has come back like a flash flood. I'm on step 5 of 7 in the grieving process & I feel like I am going backwards. Anger is so bad, wish all these feelings would disappear.   After 2 mos, yesterday I visited w my niece (2 y/o old) & nephew (2 mos old), I held back tears until I got home last night. Our nephew was born after Jacob passed so its still fresh when I am with them. I know in time I will feel better but not sure when. I hope soon in time after this has healed god will bless us with another baby.  

Im supposed to be having Jacob today. My heart really hurts right now. Today is also DH & I's 6 yr together anniversary. My head hurts from all the frustrations. Tired of the random crying and feeling so lost. Hope in time I feel better.

I wasn't sure if I would be able to share just yet but I am going to try. Our son Jacob Bradly was born 3 months early April 21,2001 at 3:21pm Thursday. I went in for a ultrasound check up, my husband and mother went with me. It was my mom's first grand baby and first 3d ultrasound. Needless to say at the end of the appointment after the ultrasound tech was done the Dr came in and gave us some news. Jacob hadn't gained any weight since the last check up (which was weird because I was eating like a horse) she went on to tell us that the baby will have to be taken that night or in a couple of days. Our jaws dropped, I mean dropped. Dr stepped out of the room so we could talk and her call my ob.The Dr came back in after a minute or two and went on to tell us that the other problem is that the blood was circling back to me and not going back to baby: "blood reversal" So I was sent over to the hospital to get monitored and given the steroid for the babies lungs.I get t

651am, what am i doin up. Our kitten Panda passed away Wed night after we got home from softball. I totally lost it,hyperventilated and anxiety attack all in one fast minute. I wish I could understand why the people/animals I love keep getting taken away from me. There are no answers. Well loosing Panda put me one step back and my heart really is lost. The kitten was actually helping me cope and god decided to take him to heaven. I am trying so hard to understand I really am. Dont know what will happen to me if we loose one more thing. So I just hope and try to keep the faith. I really hope soon we can get out of our situation because this hole has gotten bigger and we cant seem to dig out.

Sitting here at softball. Just thinking of the baby. Seeing all these other lil boys running around kinda breaks my heart. Im so quiet today, just kinda thinking. Wish some how some big chunk of money would come our way. Need to get out of this major hole.

Why is there anger when loosing a loved one, especially your own child, the first child. Im tired all the time,cant sleep at night I just lay there in the quiet. My mind replays over and over. Jacob has been in heaven for 2mos. But still feels so fresh to me. I carried him in my belly and then it all came crashing down in an instant. Still unsure about things. Hate that I get mad at every little thing sometimes. I feel bad because DH annoys me at times, its not his fault just happens. Im scared to be alone, Im not gonna hurt myself just being alone scares me but guess Ill have to get used to it. Afraid to look for a job but I am doing it anyways, thinking it will ease some pain. Friends having babies bother me at times because I didnt get to experience anything. (shopping for diapers,wipes,bottles,car seat and other stuff; no shower) Guess time will ease the pain but still wonder if i will be able to have another baby.

Sitting at dinner,just keeping quite. Annoyed at stupid poeple. Today was an ok day. My mom turned 57 today. How time flys. Did some thinking about where we might be in a yr. Prayed to god about Jacob & our living situation. Feel like it helped some. To end I hope something good happens soon.

Allergies,head hurts,body aches,time of the month surprisingly. Emotions are off the chart as usual. Keep to myself a lot. Broken glasses, 10 yr old glasses in the mean time. Fussy kitten, we think Jacob sent him to us but its still a big ?. Lonely, longing for comfort, wishing things were different, daydreaming about my baby being next to me.