Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Constant thoughts..

My constant thoughts are almost haunting me. The night mare of loosing Jacob replays in mind on days I am lonely and the nights are just the worst. I often can't sleep because my mind is always working and DH is sound asleep. I pray before I go to sleep every night and I can stay asleep for about 4 hours and then I wake up like clock work . Sometimes it's scarey because I am supposed to be tending to a 5 month old and I wonder if I am sleep walking looking for him. On some days I have to wake myself up and remind myself Jacob is in heaven and he is no longer hurting. We will be okay. Today I have been in a lazy mood. Not tending to anything. But I can't tend to anything really anyways because of the clutter. Just the usual clean the stove,clean the potty, wash clothes,wash dishes and play with the pup and cuddle with her for a nap. That's how my days run together and before I know it the weekend is here. I keep my self busy by reading the books I got from the hospital and the ones I got from my dad. They are all helpful and I am thankful for them. So I sit here right now am thinking about tomorrow. Jacob turns 6 months old in heaven , wish he was here with us. So tomorrow I am lighting a candle and hoping to have the courage to write a letter. I pray for strength. Love you Jacob..Fly high my little bugger !! ^J^

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